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Whingetiquette: Lesson Two - Espresso Melbourne

Whingetiquette: Lesson Two

Oh Mr Waiter you think you’re so smart sometimes, don’t you? So I didn’t know what gremolata was!? Sheez sorry. And what – I didn’t realise that putting milk in a CCD* was like, illegal, or whatever there’s no need to be so damn smug.

Yep, I’m turning on my own for this one, waiters can be a-holes. It’s not entirely up to the customer to craft his/her complaint with good manners and poise, it’s on us waiters too, to receive them graciously sans smug. After all, I’m pretty sure that’s what we’re paid for (although sometimes not enough).

Scenario 1: Wandering customer meanders up to the counter and says “Excuse me, can I please order an espresso, the muesli, a babycino”

Waiter: “Yep, so we do table service here” in that tone that says oh my god woman, get a brain?! Your ignorance offends me.

I would love the sentence “it’s table service” to be struck from the English language. No matter how it’s said, it always sounds patronising. I’d prefer to hear, “Hold on one sec and we’ll find a table for you”. This way the customer isn’t exposed as a total novice numpty, rather they’re made to feel looked after and tended-to. Yaaay.

My mother tells me the question, “Am I able to get a bowl of water for my dog?” is the best way to make a waiter go “urrgghhh” and “guuuhhhhh” and emit numerous other exacerbated sounds of pain. They must feel my mother has mistaken them for someone whose job it is to accommodate customers. Everyone’s encountered that waiter before. I’ve often wondered what their response would be if they were to be pulled up on their attitude and asked why they were finding it so horribly arduous to fetch you the things you require. Bad moods are contagious and those dealing with food should stay home if they’re in one, lest they infect others.

No one likes to be made to feel silly. I think customers and waiters alike should all just agree that we think we’re smarter than the other and see if that works out. Customers: refer to Whingetiquette – Lesson One. Waiters: avoid getting on your high-hospo-horse when explaining to customers how things are done, rather, be accommodating, be friendly, be hospitable; or find a job where you don’t have to be. I think Tiger Airways are hiring?

*CCD (Clever Coffee Dripper) rolls with the Third Wave coffee crew alongside siphon and Clover.

About author
Liv Fin is a Melbourne-based professional writer with a borderline-dangerous predilection for long blacks, peanut M&Ms and book buying.

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